Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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