I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
