Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
