I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
