There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Randomize
