I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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