a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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