I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
