She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
