so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize