Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
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