dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
