I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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