shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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