Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
We left an ass print on the piano.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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