i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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