When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
