she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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