Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
