I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
