She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
