I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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