he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
