hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
