It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
