whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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