i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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