i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Randomize
