a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize