Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
