so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
