I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
