hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
