That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
