i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
