Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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