i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
