I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize