I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
