its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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