guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
