Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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