My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
