PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
