It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
