i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
