I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
