im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
