new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize