Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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