I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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