My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
