Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
