I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
