If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
