We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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