I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
third nipple confirmed
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
