So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
