Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just blew my weed a kiss
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Randomize
