one word: firstdatebathroomanal
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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