this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
