I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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