my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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