The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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